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14 Mar 2018

Do you have a relationship problem

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Do you have a relationship problem. The coexistence with another person is certainly complex, when I studied psychology, and many yesterdays ago, my family and couple therapy teacher, made us the metaphor that couples are like a dance, where there is constant communication, distance and proximity, but always a contact … and is that we have been led to believe that relationships are like a fairy tale with a happy ending.

Before continuing, I want to share a definition that Ramón Torres wrote to define love, which I really like:

“Love is an intelligent construction of two wise people, who decide to be friends, companions, accomplices, cronies, and good lovers. That in spite of the problems that never fail, they are chosen every morning to continue walking together for life “

Do you have a relationship problem

Maybe today you feel discouraged, disappointed, angry, and / or frustrated, in this walk with the person you decided at some point in your life to choose to follow the path together, surely you have had many moments of reflection on whether you made the decision correct And that, precisely that, giving you time to reflect on what you really want is the first step you have to take to unravel this mess that has led you to have problems with your partner.

Do you have a relationship problem

Take your time, maybe you feel suffocated, and all you want is to run away, and that is in this society where the satisfaction of our needs is becoming more mediate, the tolerance to what frustrates us is getting smaller, It is important that you understand that persistence and giving yourself enough time to make decisions is essential to resolve conflicts with your partner. The issue of being in a relationship is a decision that requires all your attention to learn in consciousness what you can most of it, either to stay with that person, or to have a new partner in the future.

Since you have understood that the result you get will take time, start a work of introspection, stop and “throw yourself” into this world that sometimes hurts a lot because it is sad to admit that maybe you are wrong, that the other has evolved differently or that the other does not have what you need most. To make any decision the first thing to do is an analysis of pro’s and cons, write on a paper two columns, in a beam your list of proes and the other write your list of cons, and a third column, which I always I integrate in my coaching work with couples, which I will call “areas of opportunity”. Carefully list why you are in this relationship, what you do get from your partner (proes), why you do not want to be, what you need and do not have (contras) and then what you think you can and should develop both to solve their conflicts (areas of opportunity). Look carefully at your list and analyze in which column you have written more, this analysis will help you to be clearer on the path you should create.

Take responsibility, maybe you’ll tell me: how Erika?, if it’s clear that I’m not in this mess because I want to, I’m not to blame. Observe what you wrote in your “cons” column and ask yourself how you are causing this to happen, what you can do differently to stop that situation from happening, how you can make your partner understand what you want. It is important that you point to yourself and not to your partner … when I had my first love, that which marks you for the following relationships, I chose a boy who was hardworking, affectionate, but very jealous, we often had very strong arguments, I cried and I complained about how “bad” I was and a friend, just like me, super young, told me one day: “Erika, I understand that he is crazy, but you know? More crazy you who maintain that relationship “Auuch! I will never forget your comment, and it is that it is much easier to see the defect in the other than in yourself. Do not forget, you have arrived here because you have decided, so it’s up to you to find the best alternatives so that you feel in balance, calm and as I said at the beginning … intelligently build with your partner a relationship where they are friends, companions , accomplices, cronies, and good lovers.

Finally, remember how important it is that you develop your emotional intelligence, because by learning from your emotions you can express them adequately, being consistent between what you are feeling and thinking.

For me one of the greatest acts of love is to understand what you feel, to express it in such a way that you can be heard.

 

 

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